Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
