Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
pray to the hookup gods
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
