I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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