There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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