I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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