i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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