You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
