you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
we're making bets on your personal life
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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