If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
