dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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