I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
