somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
