Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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