so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
