Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
