I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
