Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
