Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
