Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
