I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
