If i come over, it means nothing
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
