U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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