I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
