I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
