this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
