I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
