The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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