Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
