shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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