Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My dad is sitting where you rode me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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