he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
