is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
