I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
