i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
