i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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