I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
