This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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