turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
