Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
