Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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