The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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