Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
