i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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