And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Quick, to the slutcave!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
