The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
