finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
