You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
