First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
