The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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