This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
