i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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