Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just googled if crying burns calories
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
