i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
