he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
